In the Name of Money
by Comedyfanatic
Summary: Legault, Jaffar, and Erk decide to run an underground scam parlor in order to get cash. Legault burns down his house with a muffin, then explodes Erk's car while Jaffar is trying to enlist the help of Ninian the pole dancer. In the end, it all falls apart


**Fire Emblem 7: In the Name of Money**

It was a cold Fall day and the wind was gently rustling the red and yellow leaves barely attached to the trees that stood outside Jaffar's contemporary home. Inside this house, Jaffar, Legault and Erk were all crammed onto a small white sofa in front of a moderately large TV. Jaffar sat on one end, wearing a black pear of pajamas with little bears printed on hem and casually drumming his fingers on the edge of the sofa. Erk sat on the other end, wearing a pair of blue silk PJs and pondering why Britney Spears shaved her head. Legault sat in the middle wearing a stained red bathrobe and a pair of red and grey lounge pants while vegetating with both arms dangling between his legs and a blank expression on his face. Finally, Legault hoisted himself off the couch and headed towards the kitchen.

"I'm off to make myself a cup of fresh ground coffee," he said, turning to Jaffar for approval as he did so.

"Sure, go ahead," replied Jaffar, still staring blankly at the screen of the television.

Legault thought for a moment before asking "Can I use the blender?"

"Sure, go ahead," said Jaffar as Legault half staggered through the kitchen door. Erk turned to Jaffar and tried in vain to get his attention in subtle ways. Eventually he just hollered "Jaffar!" causing him to jump and turn to face Erk.

"What is it?!" he hissed through gritted teeth.

"I was just thinking…" replied Erk. "Why did Britney shave her head?"

"Well, I think…" started Jaffar, before he was cut off by a sickening grinding sound and a yelp from the kitchen. "I think…" continued Jaffar. "That she shaved her head in order to draw attention to herself. It's a whole celeb thing."

Erk opened his mouth to speak, but was stopped short by another grinding noise accompanied by a cry of "Holy shit! It's got my hand!" from the kithen. Erk paused a moment, then continued.

"I've been thinking…" he said. "And I think that she did it to look like Bruce Willis." With this, a final banging noise came from the kitchen and Legault burst through the door with the blender stuck to his arm and some disgusting slushy form of coffee beans smeared all over him.

"Guys!" he yelled as he dripped the bean paste all over Jaffar's carpeting. "I just had a brilliant idea!"

"What?" asked Erk, leaning forward like an intensely interested child would.

"We need money, right?" said Legault as he plopped himself down on one of Jaffar's recliners. "And we need adventure."

"Yeah…" said Jaffar, signaling for Legault to continue.

"So I propose," continued Legault. "That we create an underground scam parlor." Legault sat back in the chair, clearly pleased with himself, and waited for his idea to sink in.

"An underground scam parlor?" questioned Erk.

"Yeah!" replied Legault. "What have we got to lose?"

"Only our fortune, our lives, and our ladies," retorted Erk.

"What fortune? What lives? What ladies?" replied Legault. "Let's face it guys. We are turds on the shoe of life. We have to do something with our lives!"

"You know he has a point," said Jaffar, turning to face Erk.

"No," said Erk. "No, he doesn't."

"Well, I think that we could use some wild adventures, and if a little extra cash comes our way while we party it up, I say what the heck!" said Jaffar.

"Yeah!" shouted Legault. "I think we could make this work! Count me in!"

"Legault, it was your idea," said Erk. He looked solemnly at his two friends and said; "If you two want to waste your time and money getting your asses kicked all the way into next Tuesday, that's your problem. But I, for one, am not going to get involved in this operation." And with this he turned to face the wall, crossing his arms defiantly as he did so.

"You know…" said Legault, glancing over at Erk expectantly. "I bet a lot of girls have the hots for scammers…"

Erk whipped around and practically shouted "Count me in!"

"That's more like it," chuckled Legault. "We'll meet tomorrow at my place around… 11:00."

"Sounds good," replied Jaffar.

Legault was halfway out the door when he turned to ace his assassin friend and said; "Oh and by the way… don't go in the kitchen." Then he bolted out the door faster than a fighter jet.

Jaffar walked hesitantly into his kitchen and gaped at what he saw.

"Holy shit!" he screamed. "Legault, what the hell did you do to my kitchen?!"


End file.
